Mood: Not Impressed
Listening to: The Path - HIM
Watching: Boston law, s01 e10
Reading: What I’m writing
Playing: dead
Eating: air
Drinking: water
Thinking: Und dieser Pfad bleibt und führt mich in Einsamkeitsarme…

I modified a little bit the lyrics to exemplify how I feel…

The Path
-HIM-

There is no turning back from this unending path of mine.
Serpentine and black, it stands before my eyes.
To hell and back, it will lead me once more.
It’s all I have as I stumble in out of grace.

I walk through the gardens of dying light.
And cross all the rivers, deep and dark as the night.
Searching for a reason why time would’ve passed me by.

With every step I take, the less I know myself.
And every vow broken on my way towards love.
Countless times I’ve prayed for forgiveness
But Gods just laughed at my face
And this path remains leading me into solitude arms.

I see through the darkness, my way.
The journey seems endless but I’ll carry on.
The shadows will rise and they will fall and my night drowns in dawn.

Amidst all the tears theres a smile
that all angels will greet with an envious song.
One look into strangers eyes and I don’t know where I belong.

I walk through the gardens of dying light.
And cross all the rivers, deep and dark as the night.
Searching for a reason why time would’ve passed me by.

I see through the darkness, my way.
The journey seems endless but I’ll carry on.
The shadows will rise and they will fall and my night drowns in dawn.

Mood: Still frustrated but happier
Listening to: Only your - Portishead
Watching: Once upon a time in Mexico
Reading: Radiative processes notes
Playing: With Kero and his new toy
Eating: Air
Drinking: Apple soda (Sidral)
Thinking: Is he with me as happy as I am with him?

Do you believe in love? Let me tell you a little story about it and judge for yourself.

Once upon a time, a sixteen-year-old girl saw the back of a young man and said “He’s the one I’m going to marry“. Some days after, that boy saw a cute girl (who happend to be the one who saw him befoere) and thought she was the one. Afterwards, they met at her home since he was a good friend of the girl’s brothers. As soon as they were introduced to each other, they fell deeply in love and since that moment, they were together, no one and nothing was able to separate them. A couple of months passed, they got married, she was 18 and he was 21 years old. They had two beautiful children and had one of the happiest family that ever existed. Everything seemed perfect until after 35 years of marriage, he died.

Both were friends of my dad so that’s how I know this story and met this amazing couple. I can hardly try to figure out how she might feel, after all he was everything to her and were together more than a half of their lives.

With this, I remember a phrase that a friend when the end comes, “I want my beloved to die first, so she’d neither have to cry nor mourn for me. I don’t want to see her suffer and I rather grief in her place“. I think this one of the most sincere and strong proofs of love, ever. I wish I am good and blessed enough to live something like that. **sighing** It’d be glorious **daydreaming with my love**.

Mood: Sad, really sad + frustrated
Listening to: The party is over - Lacrimosa
Watching: The lake house
Reading: The song’s lyrics
Playing: With my bleeding heart
Eating: Air
Drinking: Tears
Thinking: The party is over… Why do I always must stop believing?

It’s ironic how things can suddenly change. I had certain dreams and hopes about my own life, my own freedom that had just vanished as dust is blown away by the wind. I trusted someone that I thought I could blindly lie my trust on… However, she turned to be like everyone else **weeping**.

One of the many lessons that life has taught me is that you must be a steppenwolf (for reference read “Der Steppenwolf” by Herman Hess) when it comes to fight for your own life, dreams, goals, hopes… Because if one finds support in some other that oneself, when one needs the most that backing, it’s just gone and that hurts as much as the reason for one’s seeking **staring how the rain falls**.

The only thing left for me is just to believe in myself and what I can accomplish by my own means. I can’t rely on something that depends on someone else’s will, wishes or needs. I just can’t afford any dissapointment anymore although, I’m completly aware that there are still too many ahead in my life **sighing**. Perhaps I’m being to theatrical about it but it has always been the same in my life… It’s like a cycle of disappointment **feeling alone and frustrated**.

Mood: Happy + sleepy
Listening to: Luna - The Smashing Pumpkins
Watching: Potemayo, episode 24
Reading: What I’m writing
Playing: With Kero
Eating: Air
Drinking: Thé
Thinking: Thank you, thank you so much…

No matter how rough and difficult life can be, it has always blessed me with experiences, lessons, dreams, hopes, illusions and now, with love. Maybe it was really comfortable to play dead and not believing in love but life and love itself are wise enough and will kick one’s butt when one needs it. That happend to me although I must confess, I always hoped that I was going to be proven wrong and find love in my path.

Four months ago, a new lesson was presented to me and that included the most amazing and incredible man/boy that I have ever met, Tijl (aka my white belgian chocolate, the Quicky). We’ve been together ever since and so far, we both want to be together, no matter the ~ 10 000 km of land and water that lie between us.

I love you, very very much and it’ll be until I can’t feel no more. Thank you for these wonderful four months of love.

Mood: Happy + sleepy
Listening to: Jotunheim - Therion
Watching: Potemayo, episode 24
Reading: What I’m writing
Playing: With Kero
Eating: Air
Drinking: Thé
Thinking: So sad…

Since a year or so, on cable tv (I’ve seen them mostly on CNN), some advertising have called my attention. I can’t say I like them since they’re promoted by some kind of catholic or christian church but I think they’re quite ok. They mainly try to teach people to have humanitary actions towards their neighbors, the manner they try to do so is neither demagogue, stupid, innocent nor complicated, just simple every-day actions that can make someone else’s day a little bit better.

I think this a good thing although, it is extremely sad that humanity needs to be humanized by tv commercials!!! It seems that people has lost their human side and needs the stupid box to teach them all over again!!! **sighing** The only thing possible to do is that each one does one’s part to make this world a better place…